Matthew Yglesias thinks John McCain is going to lose the election, five months from now, in November. He just can't decide how badly McCain is going to lose. Interesting. It makes me think of chickens.

Fact: Chicken eggs incubate for 20 days.

Therefore: The eggs containing the unhatched chickens Yglesias is counting have not even been laid.

Fact: Chickens reach sexual maturity in 18-24 weeks (4.5 - 6 months).

Therefore: The chickens which will lay the eggs containing the chickens Yglesias is counting may themselves not even be hatched.

Conclusion: Chick-fil-A for lunch!

Right now, if you go to the front page of the Republican National Committee web site, you see this:

On that page, I currently count eleven instances of the word "Obama", along with a slide show of Obama pictures. They really want to talk about him! They can't stop! They want everyone to know about Obama.

On the other hand, guess who they really don't want to talk about? Guess who gets zero mentions?

That can't be a good sign, for the Republicans.

(video here)

"Yes, the Constitution established the United States of America as a Christian nation."

True. Except false.

Say, isn't lying a sin? Yes? Well why isn't there a law against it?

"I think the number one issue that is in the selection, that, which people should make a selection of the president of the United States, is will this person carry on in the Judeo-Christian-principled tradition that has made this nation the greatest nation the history on mankind."

First of all, the "number one" issue? Wow. Secondly, is there any chance at all America could elect someone who wasn't a Christian, in this election or any other? If not, then what the fuck is McCain talking about? Oh don't answer, we all know what he's talking about. Shame on him.

"We welcome the poor, the tired, the huddled masses. But when they come here, they know that they are in a nation founded in Christian principles."

Which is why we don't allow divorce, why businesses must close on Sunday, and why it's a crime to use the name of the Christian God in vain.

McCain's hopeless (and I can't wait to see if he changes his mind on this one!). I can't believe I once believed I would've voted for him, if he got the nomination in 2000.

Clinton actually bowed-out? And she did it with class and tact? Was I wrong about her all along?

Nah. But, she did end it on a high note. Good for her.

McCain today:

"I believe that people are interested very much in substance," McCain said, contrasting himself with Barack Obama's charismatic style. "If it was simply style, William Jennings Bryan would have been president."

William Jennings Bryan? A guy who failed three times to win the presidency, back at the turn of the last century! Way to keep things fresh and current!

I predict this will be his acceptance speech at the RNC hoedown:

My Fellow Americans, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels.

Now my own story begins in nineteen-dickety-two. We had to say “dickety” cause the Kaiser had stolen our word “twenty”. I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles. And the last time the meteors came, we thought the sky was on fire. Naturally, we blamed the Irish. We hanged more ‘n a few.

Where was I ? Who are you ? Oh yeah, Obama!

Unfortunately, we can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I took the fairy to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. Give me five bees for a quarter you'd say. Now where were we, oh ya. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because if the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.

[ ... 40 minutes of WWI stories ... ]

You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in Zeppelins, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen J. D. Rockefeller flying by. So I run of the house with a big washtub and, where are you going?

...and then the camera zooms out and we see that everybody has left but the crickets and that sycophant, Lieberman, who's making doe-eyes at him like Waylon Smithers after a bottle of white zinfandel: “Great speech, Mr McCain. Want to go celebrate in my room? It has a hot tub!” *wink*wink*

Ugh in comments, goes for the long-form funny, and scores big:

The Story of Hillary Rodham Clinton and the Genie of the Lamp

In December 2000, after winning her first election to become the junior Senator from New York, Hillary Rodham Clinton was strolling alone on a beach in the Caribbean, thinking about her aspirations to become President. As she neared the end of the beach, far away from her hotel, she noticed light reflecting off something rolling around in the surf. She walked into the waves and picked up what appeared to be an old, rusted lamp, with an inscription of some kind. As she tried to rub some of the rust off to get a better look at the inscription, the lamp suddenly spewed a great cloud of smoke that animated itself in the form of a great genie. The following conversation ensued:

Genie: Who is it that has freed me from my long confinement?

HRC: Um, that’s me, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Who are you?

Genie: I am the Genie of the Lamp! Hillary Rodham Clinton, for doing me this great service, I grant you 12 wishes. What do you wish?

HRC: 12 wishes?!!? Really? Wow, you know, I really really want to be President of the United States, but I think 2004 is too soon for me, so I will be running in 2008. And I’m sure that by then the Republicans will have so ruined the country that there is no way a Democrat can lose, so I only have to claim the Democratic nomination to take the Presidency. So, here is my first wish Genie, in late 2007, I want to have a multi-million dollar lead in fundraising over my closest rival.

Genie: It will be done.

HRC: Oh, and in case that’s not enough, I also want Bill and I to have made, say, over $100 million between now and then.

Genie: That also is not a problem.

HRC: Great, also, I want my name to be the most recognizable name in Democratic politics at that time!

Genie: Of course.

HRC: Super. I’m glad I met you Genie. Let’s see, I also want my biggest rival for the nomination to be…African-American!

Genie: It shall be.

HRC: Oh, and let’s not only have him be African-American, but have him be of mixed racial heritage, with a white mother and African-American father.

Genie: As you wish.

HRC: What else, what else, oh! I also want his last name, well, maybe that’s too much, his middle name to be the same as someone the United States has gone to war with twice.

Genie: Easily doable.

HRC: Well maybe the last name thing wouldn’t be too much, how about this, I want his last name to be almost the same as that of the first name of the biggest terrorist in the world!

Genie: A simple matter.

HRC: This is fun! Okay, um, I also want him to have written an autobiography in which he admits to doing cocaine.

Genie: You are truly devious Hillary Rodham Clinton, so it shall be.

HRC: And I want him to have gone to a church with a pastor who says crazy things on videotape like “God-damn America!” and have that tape played over and over and over on national television.

Genie: I believe that’s two wishes, Hillary Rodham Clinton, both granted.

HRC: He should also have an absentee father who was a Muslim! No offense Genie.

Genie: None taken, a Muslim he shall be.

HRC: I want to start off the primary campaign with a huge lead in the superdelegates!

Genie: Done.

HRC: And finally, I want to be the Democratic Party’s nominee for President in 2008!!!

Genie: I’m sorry Hillary Rodham Clinton, but that is your 13th wish, you only have 12.

HRC: Oh. Well, that’s okay Genie, I’m sure with all those other wishes I’ll win easily in a landslide.

I posted this in comments at ObWi. I'm gonna copy it over here.

"OCSteve", a Republican-in-exile said:

For the record: Here is my cut-n-paste reply to every lefty charge of sexism/racism against the right for the rest of my life:

2008 Democratic Primary

People disagreed with him, citing the fact that the Republicans' record of nominating white men continues unbroken. A fair point, but not against what OCSteve was saying. The Democratic party in general likes to think of itself as the party where racism is anathema - we like to make fun of Republicans as being the racist party. But, this primary clearly shattered that myth - or at least broke it into big chunks.

I wrote (slightly cleaned-up):

Nah, OCSteve's 100% right.

The Dems, to their credit, can now say they've given either a woman or a black man as much of a chance to make it to the top as either major party in the US ever has. But too many of the rank-n-file the Dems have proven unquestionably that they are as racist as anyone could've imagined supporters of any party could be.

Personally, I don't see much sexism in the base (though I can see it in the media, esp. clowns like Chris Matthews), and I've never heard anyone quoted saying they'd "never vote for a woman". I know the many of the most vocal of the Clinton supporters on-line see sexism everywhere, in everything anyone does that isn't explicitly pro-Hillary; but they're also innumerate, illogical, disingenuous, hypocritical and frankly, fucking crazy. So I pay their arguments no heed (and, just to be clear, I don't think everyone who supports Clinton is crazy - I have friends who like her who are perfectly sane - only the people who dominate the on-line discussion). But the racism has been front and center in the Dem base. And to her eternal shame (I hope) Clinton is banking on it.

It's terribly embarrassing to me that people like that call themselves Democrats. And, though the country will probably suffer for their decision, I'm a little happy that they've declared that they'll go with McCain instead of a Obama - get them out of the party for good. I hope they leave and never come back. As far as I'm concerned, the Republicans can have the racist scum. So here, GOP: take them. Enjoy them.

Choke on them.

John McCain wants you to go out to blogs and spread the good news about John McCain. He even tells you what to talk about, in case you have trouble coming up with anything nice to say:

Today's Talking Points
The Issue: Time for Solutions
John McCain will put the national interest ahead of partisanship, he will work with anyone who sincerely wants to get this country moving again. If John McCain is elected President, the era of the permanent campaign will end. The era of problem solving will begin.

Awsm!

And, if you send a link to your blog comment back to John McCain HQ, you can earn "points" ! Not sure what you can do with those points. Maybe you can save them up and get cool stuff like thongs, or coffee mugs, or ponies.

... goddamn, lousy, idiotic, brain-damaged, mouth-breathing, vapid, douchebaggery run amok...

Barack Obama may be the only male politician of any significance in the past, say, one thousand years who is faithful to his wife. Does anyone doubt Obama's fidelity? Now that it's near certain he will be the Democratic nominee, I've been trying to sort out why I don't think this is a good thing. It's not that I'm pro-infidelity, mind you. As a psychologist who has seen many couples torn to pieces over it, I know how corrosive betrayal is to a relationship. Yet, Obama's certain fidelity is somehow troubling me.

Just go away. Just shut up. Just quit talking. Just never touch a computer again. Turn in your diploma. Don't bother asking for a refund. You are a drain on humanity: a net loss, a sink. Shut the hell up and never speak again. Please. You fucking idiot.