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Harry Potter  Gen Z Edition

Chapter One

THE BOY WHO WASN'T UNALIVED

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, liked flexing that they were very basic, thank u. Tbh they were the last people you'd think would be sus, because they were all fax no printer.

Mr. Dursley was adulting at a firm called Grunnings, which made drills.

He was a dummy thiccc (w/ three Cs) man with hardly any neck, although he had an absolute unit of a mustache. Mrs. Dursley was a total Karen with zero chill and had hella neck, which came in very useful when she was stalking her neighbours and not minding her own.

The Dursleys had a future incel of a son named Dudley who they thought was the main character. The Dursleys were mostly thriving, but they also had lowkey tea which didn't pass the vibe check and their greatest fear was to get called out and cancelled. They were girlbossing too close to the sun and didn't think their clout could bounce back if their fam, the Potters, were revealed. Milf Lily Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sis, but Mrs. D had gone ghost; irl (no cap) Mrs. D fronted she didn't have a sis, because Lil and her deadbeat mans were straight up cringe. If the neighbors ever peeped the Potters, it'd be a big yikes. Lowkey the Dursleys knew the Potters had their own crotch goblin, too, but they'd never peeped. This bb was fr a solid reason 2 keep the in-laws yote; they didn't want Dudley mixing with a gross being like that.

When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on the dull, gray (fight me) Tuesday our lore opens, the cloudy overlay didnt vibe like strange and mysterious things would be happening all over the country. Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work, and Mrs. Dursley spilled the tea as she was tryna put a screaming Dudley into his heckin high chair.

None of them noticed a chonky, tawny owl flutter past the window.

...

Oldies

https://twitter.com/RexChapman/status/1554093165442998272

I was just a weeun then, so stuff like this kindof freaked me out:

And it wasn't always because they were so stylized, ...

... but because it was when I first learned that the world of music...

... was far far bigger and far far weirder than I'd known.

There was stuff my parents didn't know about!

Stuff my friends didn't know about!

Of course I was only ten, so of course everything was bigger than I thought.

And I'd figure that other stuff out eventually.

But this realization was the one that felt most dramatic.

And it's pretty much all thanks to MTV.

Choose Your Opponents Wisely

The reprehensible Matt Gaetz body-shamed Olivia Julianna a few days ago. So she did what any self-respecting 19 year old political strategist for a youth-run abortion rights organization would do. She took the fight to twitter.

And she has raised over $800,000 in three days.

https://twitter.com/0liviajulianna/status/1552756322151587842

She's sending Gaetz a bouquet of flowers for each $100K raised.

#ThanksMattGaetz !

---

An hour later, now over $900K
https://twitter.com/0liviajulianna/status/1552772346158714882

--

$1,500,000 right now.

Whiteburg

I've often told people how there were no racial minorities in my high school. People are often incredulous. How can that be?! In eastern New York state? Certainly with NYC being so close ... nope.

The closest we got to a minority was the handful of Jewish kids. And nobody cared about that distinction.

Well, now there's proof:

We're number 7!

Well, they are. They can have it. I ain't going back.

Blackmail

From the Takes That Haven't Aged Well pile...

An excerpt from 'The "Bernie or Bust" Movement is Not Based on Privilege':

Q: Hey, but what about the Supreme Cou—

A: GODDAMIT, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SUPREME COURT SEATS UP FOR GRABS. IF WE LET THAT DEFINE HOW WE VOTE, WE WOULD NEVER, EVER MAKE ANY PROGRESS IN THIS COUNTRY. THEY’RE ALL OLD! ALL OF THEM! THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN OLD, AND THEY WILL ALWAYS BE OLD! YOU KNOW THIS MERRICK GARLAND DUDE THAT OBAMA NOMINATED? HE’S 63. THAT’S A “NEW” SUPREME COURT JUSTICE. THAT DUDE COULD DIE. AND SURE, WE COULD ALL DIE, AT ANY MOMENT, BUT HE’S LEGITIMATELY OLD ENOUGH TO DIE IN THE NEXT FOUR YEARS, JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER SUPREME COURT JUSTICE.

STOP TRYING TO STRONG-ARM SANDERS SUPPORTERS INTO VOTING BECAUSE SOME SUPREME COURT SEATS MAY BE UP FOR GRABS. JUST STOP. THEY ARE ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS UP FOR GRABS. YES, SOME OF THE JUSTICES MIGHT DIE. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE MIGHT HAPPEN? NONE OF THEM MAY DIE. WE HAVE NO IDEA, SO WHY SHOULD THAT DICTATE OUR VOTE?

(ten minutes of heavy breathing)

WHYYY?!