In case you haven't heard, some people at the National Review Online got together and came up with a list of the Top 50 Conservative Rock Songs. And, many people out here on the net have had their way with this list already. But, what the hell, it looks like a fun way to kill a half-hour and it's not like anyone is forced to read what I write. I'll just pick a few:

1. "Won't Get Fooled Again," by The Who.
The conservative movement is full of disillusioned revolutionaries; this could be their theme song, an oath that swears off naïve idealism once and for all. "There's nothing in the streets / Looks any different to me / And the slogans are replaced, by-the-bye. . . . Meet the new boss / Same as the old boss." The instantly recognizable synthesizer intro, Pete Townshend's ringing guitar, Keith Moon's pounding drums, and Roger Daltrey's wailing vocals make this one of the most explosive rock anthems ever recorded "” the best number by a big band, and a classic for conservatives.

I think we can let Pete Townsend speak for the song, but I just want to point out that it's pretty crazy to cast the "conservative movement" as being somehow free of idealism.

2. "Taxman," by The Beatles

While it seems obvious that conservatives would love an anti-tax song on principle, we shouldn't forget that thanks to the tax rates in Britain at the time, the Beatles were only keeping 6% of what they earned. I think it's pretty fair to assume that anybody would be pissed at a 94% tax rate, no matter what their political orientation. If George Harrison had written Taxman complaining about a 25% rate, you'd have a stronger case that it's about taxes on principle and not simply anti-excessive-tax.

3. "Sympathy for the Devil," by The Rolling Stones
Don't be misled by the title; this song is The Screwtape Letters of rock. The devil is a tempter who leans hard on moral relativism "” he will try to make you think that "every cop is a criminal / And all the sinners saints." What's more, he is the sinister inspiration for the cruelties of Bolshevism: "I stuck around St. Petersburg / When I saw it was a time for a change / Killed the czar and his ministers / Anastasia screamed in vain."

Yes, the devil is a jerk. And yes there are a couple of conservative betes noires in the lyrics for conservatives to get excited about. But I wonder what they think about other lines, like "I shouted out / Who killed the Kennedys? / When after all / It was you and me" and "I watched with glee / While your kings and queens / Fought for ten decades / For the gods they made" ?

4. "Sweet Home Alabama," by Lynyrd Skynyrd

You're welcome to it.

5. "Wouldn't It Be Nice," by The Beach Boys.
Pro-abstinence and pro-marriage: "Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true / Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do / We could be married / And then we'd be happy."

When I hear that song, I always assume that, after expressing their pro-abstinence, pro-marriage position, they shrug and go out behind the barn and screw anyway. These are teenagers, right ?

6. "Gloria," by U2.
Just because a rock song is about faith doesn't mean that it's conservative. But what about a rock song that's about faith and whose chorus is in Latin? That's beautifully reactionary: "Gloria / In te domine / Gloria / Exultate."

Yes, Gloria is a song any Christian (conservative or not) could love, as are many U2 songs. But I don't buy for a second that the Latin in this one makes a bit of difference in it's political stance.

7. "Revolution," by The Beatles.
"You say you want a revolution / Well you know / We all want to change the world . . . Don't you know you can count me out?" What's more, Communism isn't even cool: "If you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao / You ain't going to make it with anyone anyhow." (Someone tell the Che Guevara crowd.)

I'll buy that one, too - assuming we're allowed to take songs out of context, because this is John Lennon we're talking about.

9. "Don't Tread on Me," by Metallica

Not familiar with it. I stopped paying attention to Metallica as soon as they got slick enough to show up on mainstream radio.

11. "The Trees," by Rush

Rush's early lyrics are often heavily libertarian. But let's be careful about putting meaning into things that the author didn't intend.

13. "My City Was Gone," by The Pretenders.
Virtually every conservative knows the bass line, which supplies the theme music for Limbaugh's radio show. But the lyrics also display a Jane Jacobs sensibility against central planning and a conservative's dissatisfaction with rapid change: "I went back to Ohio / But my pretty countryside / Had been paved down the middle / By a government that had no pride."

That song's not about "central planning"; it's about over-development and urban sprawl: two things conservatives aren't typically opposed to, because opposing those would be "opposing business interests" or "supporting restrictions on what people can do with their own damn land".

15. "I Fought the Law," by The Crickets.
The original law-and-order classic, made famous in 1965 by The Bobby Fuller Four and covered by just about everyone since then.

So let me get this straight: conservatives are rooting for the law in that song ? I always thought we were supposed to sympathize with the misguided narrator in that one. We'll find out shortly what happens when the law is one they don't agree with...

18. "Cult of Personality," by Living Colour.
A hard-rocking critique of state power, whacking Mussolini, Stalin, and even JFK: "I exploit you, still you love me / I tell you one and one makes three / I'm the cult of personality."

First of all, it's not about state power, it's about charismatic leaders and the dangers of worshipping them. And secondly, is there any doubt that there is a thriving conservative Cult of Personality around Bush ?

22. "Red Barchetta," by Rush.
In a time of "the Motor Law," presumably legislated by green extremists, the singer describes family reunion and the thrill of driving a fast car "” an act that is his "weekly crime."

What about that law-and-order stuff that put "I Fought The Law" on this list ? Not so important when it comes to laws you don't agree with, I guess (also see the "nanny state" in #38, "I Can't Drive 55"). And note that since Neil Peart doesn't tell us the origins of the "motor law" in his story, any assumptions about its purpose and validity are entirely in the mind of the listener. The editors here just assume it's an environmental thing, but what if the "motor law" was enacted to help catch terrorists ? Would our hero be aiding the enemy by racing his Barchetta through rural Canada ? Would conservatives like the song in that case ?

25. "The Battle of Evermore," by Led Zeppelin.
The lyrics are straight out of Robert Plant's Middle Earth period "” there are lines about "ring wraiths" and "magic runes" "” but for a song released in 1971, it's hard to miss the Cold War metaphor: "The tyrant's face is red."

There's an editor who's sure all that's "red" is commie, but he's stretching the boundaries of logic. Seriously, go look up the lyrics; this isn't about the Cold War. If anything, it's an echo of the Irish National Anthem or a tribute to The Lord Of The Rings.

34. "Godzilla," by Blue Oyster Cult.
A 1977 classic about a big green monster "” and more: "History shows again and again / How nature points up the folly of men."

Godzilla was either created by atomic bombs, or awakened by atomic bombs (depending on the movie). Then he repeatedly destroyed Japanese cities. It takes a certain kind of blindness not to see this as a metaphor for the dangers of atomic weapons. See also Hiroshima, Nagasaki.

46. "Wind of Change," by The Scorpions.
A German hard-rock group's optimistic power ballad about the end of the Cold War and national reunification: "The world is closing in / Did you ever think / That we could be so close, like brothers / The future's in the air / I can feel it everywhere / Blowing with the wind of change."

Can people other than conservatives feel good about the fall of the Berlin Wall ?

Enough of that. You get the idea. That's not to say the whole list is lame - there are definitely songs on there that are clearly "conservative" - just that the editors tried a bit too hard, on many songs, to find a conservative way of looking at them.

From the Raleigh News And Observer, a story about the lunatic Republican, Vernon Robinson, and his attempt to win one of NC's Federal House o' Rep's seats (a district in which he does not live, of course):

Robinson has already run a radio ad that features mariachi band music playing in the background. "If [incumbent, Brad] Miller had his way," says the announcer, "America would be nothing but one big fiesta for illegal aliens and homosexuals."
...
The Robinson mailing also seeks to tie Miller to Markos Moulitsas Zuniga, a Californian who runs The Daily Kos, the nation's largest liberal Internet blog. The Robinson literature describes Moulitsas, who is a married Army veteran, as a "militant homosexual rights advocate" under the headline: "Brad Miller's San Francisco Soul Mate."
...
Soon after winning the GOP primary in the 13th District in May, Robinson mailed literature to more than 400,000 households portraying Miller's voting record and personal life as being out of the mainstream.

Among many other things, the literature calls Miller a "childless, middle-aged personal injury lawyer."
...
"I think that should not be part of what you agree to take on if you want to be involved in politics -- that kind of personal attack without any basis," Miller said.

Miller said his wife of nearly 25 years, Esther Hall, could not bear children because she had endometriosis and then a hysterectomy at age 27 before the couple were married.

Happily, I'll be able to vote against this guy in November.

Since Fafblog has been dormant for almost two months now, I thought I should share my favoritest Fafblog post ever: It's called the the legend of Benjamin Healy, and it go somethin like this:

"Whatever happened to Benjamin Healy, honest ol tricky ol Benjamin Healy who sold hats to the headless an converted the footless an befriended the friendless, the oppressed an the short throughout the land?" says me.
"They say he flew around the world in a contraption made a geese feathers an elevator parts an a monorail from the world's fair!" says Giblets.
"An on the way he gave presents to all the good little boys an girls," says me, "which is how the story of Jesus came to be."
"They say when two old women came up to him both claimin to be the mother of a child, ol' Ben Healy said 'We shall cut the child in half' an so they did," says Giblets.
"An each half of the child grew into another whole child!" says me.
"An amazin man, that ol Ben Healy," says Giblets.
"They say in court ol Benjamin Healy defended the soul of a duck what had sold its soul to the devil himself," says me. "An his oratory was so stirrin an his voice so patriotic that the jury absolved the bird of his pact with Satan an made him a representative in the United States Congress!"
"An those duck's tears went on to form the Cuyahoga River," says Giblets.
"They say the devil got so angry he came after ol Benjamin Healy to cheat him outta his soul," says me. "His soul which was delicious an smelled like a fresh-baked pie."
"An that was back in the days when the devil was made of machines," says Giblets. "Steel-drivin automatic-loggin machines that took people's jobs AND their souls."
"Devil's no fan of the workin man," says me.
"An they say ol Benjamin Healy beat the devil at cards an chess an Cheese or Weevil an he said 'Ol Devil if you really are the devil you'll turn yourself into a line of overpriced yet reasonably comfortable athletic footwear' an the devil not bein one to run from a challenge did jus that," says Giblets.
"An ol Ben Healy boxed up the devil an distributed him to millions of eager consumers around the world," says me. "Which is where we get the Nike Swoosh."
"Organized sports were transformed forever," says Giblets.
"Whatever happened to Serge Garcia, fearsome an terrible Serge Garcia who strode the mountains an fought with the savage woodsy men an ruled the piney trees?" says me.
"They say he could skin an eat an army of Vikings in one go an still have room left over for their boats," says Giblets. "For their army of boats."
"They say he could could crush an elephant in one hand but lived at peace with the tiniest creatures of the forest," says me.
"Cept when he was crushin em in one hand to show people how he could crush em in one hand," says Giblets.
"They say no mortal woman was enough for him so he made one himself outta whiskey an liquors an ale," says me. "An he loved her like a lumberjack made of eating loves a woman made of ham."
"An then one day he was like 'I'm real thirsty' an he drank her an she was gone," says Giblets.
"An he cried real sad an he roamed the land an he ate a whole live buffalo," says me.
"They say he tore a bear in half or a tiger or a moose or a goat," says Giblets, "so enraged with sadness was he at the sea for the loss of his whiskey-bride."
"They say he roamed the northern woods like the sasquatch or among the sasquatch or become the sasquatch," says me.
"Only the Navajo know an they sing of his legend in their old old songs," says Giblets.
"Their old old songs which live on in the early studio recordings of the band Foreigner," says me.
"'Jukebox Hero' was later covered by Soul Asylum for reasons that remain largely a mystery," says Giblets.
"A mystery like the legends of Serge Garcia an Benjamin Healy," says me.
"A mystery indeed," says Giblets.

Here's my entry in the Shittiest Mix Tape contest:

1. Charlene - Never Been To Me. So so so silly - even before you get to the spoken-word middle section.
2. Starship - We Built This City. I know it's an obvious choice, but it really is an atrocity. And a sad way to end a career.
3. Cake - Going the Distance. A lot of people like Cake, and a lot of people like this song, but I hate them both. This aggressively boring song makes me want to throw things at it, to get it out of my presence.
4. Helloween - Halloween. This stupid song is made much worse by the ridiculous video: there's some kind of scary zombie circus party out in the woods! And the band is in a different part of the same woods! And they're singing about Halloween with that goofy European melodic metal and the faux-operatic vocals. Ugh. And there's a guy with a pumpkin on his head.
5. Lynrd Skynrd - That Smell. What a pungent coagulate of a song. "Oooh that smell / Can't you smell that smell". I remember hearing this on the Rock stations when it first came out and thinking "Hey! They don't play Dr. Demento on this station!"

I hope you hate it as much as I do !

I think I was supposed to post MP3s of these, but I just ain't got that kind of energy right now.

A while back, over at Making Light, there was a discussion about making a flu-preparedness package for yourself (back when bird flu seemed like it was mere days from killing us all). During a mini-discussion of cough medicines, I remembered something the school nurse used to give me for asthma, back when I was seven or eight: a noxious yellow syrup called Quibron.

Quibron is a blend of guaifenesin (an expectorant found in most cough medicines - yum) and theophylline (which expands airways). It tastes horrible. Beyond awful. I remarked on Making Light, that Quibron tasted like "Robitussin triple-distilled over a tire fire then aged for 12 years in casks of piss oak". I probably should have added "with a splash of cat piss" in addition to the Robitussin, to give it a little more of a pungent, up-front bite. Horrible. Luckily, I haven't had any since I was a wee lad.

[...dissolve to present - colors brighter, focus sharper...]

I bought a bottle of Laphroaig ("la-froyg") this weekend. It's a single-malt Scotch, from the island of Islay. I'd never tasted it before, but I like trying new things so I took a chance. As soon as the first drop hit my tounge, I thought of Quibron. Laphroaig is smokey, but not in a nice wood-smoke-on-a-cold-night way; this is more like burning plastic (peat, actually). It's medicinal. It's chemical. It's offensive. It tastes like some kind of industrial cleaner. Instead of inspiring romantic visions of the Isles off Scotland, it conjures nightmares of industrial Britain: an afternoon spent near a burning paint factory by the sea. And yet, somehow, I enjoy it - after the first few sips, anyway. Though maybe I'm just convincing myself I like it so I don't feel bad about the price. Next time, though, I'll buy an old standby, like Macallan or Glenlivet, or Knob Creek.

I think it's easy to go back over mistakes that we may have made, but the biggest reason why Iraq has been difficult is the determination by our opponents to defeat us.
-- Tony Blair

Hmmm. Interesting theory.

CNN.com

I pull up to the gas pump, start filling my tank. An anonymous white van pulls up in front of me, two guys, maybe old enough to be out of high school, are in the front. The driver yells to me "Hey. I have a strange question, but: do you want some speakers?"

"What kind of speakers?"

"Hold on, I'll show you."

He pulls around next to my car, and after a moment, comes around the side, opens the side door and there are three huge boxes: two giant floor speakers and a monster surround-sound kit: these and this.

He tells me he works for some electronics company I've never heard of, on the other side of town, and that he was out making deliveries when he discovered someone had accidentally put them in his delivery van, all invoiced, checked out, out of inventory, etc.. He shows me an invoice that I glance at, not knowing what I'm supposed to be able to conclude from it. He says he can either take them back to the warehouse where someone else will take them home, or he can sell them himself so he and his co-worker (who never leaves the van) can make a little extra cash. Maybe his boss has a strict policy that prevents things from ever being put back into inventory. Maybe it's a religious issue - "Loading docks are exit only!. I didn't ask.

He grabs some audiophile magazine he happens to have in the truck and flips to an ad for these speakers; they list for $3100 and $2475, respectively. Good shit, apparently. He asks me to make an offer: "Run to the ATM, take out what you can! Whatever you can get, I'm sure will be fine! It'll probably be more than my bonus!" I tell him I have no use for things that size, and I don't really dig the way they look, even if I did. He says "So, you can sell them yourself. Make a ton of cash!" I tell him I don't want to deal with that. He opens the subwoofer box and starts pulling out speakers, showing me how cool they are. I decline with a modest show of what I hope looks like regret.

So, after a few more rounds of "Come on, this is a great deal" and "No, I don't have any use for them", I get in my car and drive away.

Now I'm debating whether or not I should tell his boss. If these were bookshelf or car speakers, I might just forget about it, but this was $5400 worth of stuff. It's probably more than this kid makes a year. I looked-up the place he said they came from and called the number, but got voice-mail. I didn't want to leave a message, thinking those kids might be able to delete the message before anyone else heard it.

Maybe I'll try again Tuesday?

Edit: or, on second thought, better-travelled commentors inform me this was probably a scam. It makes more sense than two kids risking felony-theft convictions. And, for what it's worth: they said they were from "Empire Electronics" in Raleigh, NC. A company that claims to specialize in burglar alarm systems, but has almost no on-line presence, and the address, as listed on 411.com, is apparently in an apartment complex.

Update: check out the White Van Speaker Scam

Of course you did, honey. Of course you did.

But this was what amused me most:

Q: Did you ask producers to hook you up with a Meat Loaf duet?
Katherine: They just came to me. It wasn't like it was my choice. They just said, Okay, you'll be singing with so-and-so.

Q: I haven't heard the guy in a while.
I didn't even know who he was. But now I do. He was like really big in the '70s, right?

Q: Well, and more recently than that. You must know ''Paradise by the Dashboard Light,'' right?
I don't.

Shit, I couldn't get away from that stupid Meat Loaf album from the time it came out, all the way through college. Everybody loved it but me, it seemed. It was a Friday night staple on my dorm room floor: Meat Loaf's "Bat Out Of Hell", Fleetwood Mac's "Rumors", the Violent Femmes first, and Molson Golden. It was such a joy when some people with more adventerous taste in music moved in, and started playing the Pixies and Fugazi.

Before there was rock 'n' roll, there was me and a single guitar, flat pickin' Doc Watson.

A. David Lee Roth
B. Bonnie Rait
C. Tayor Hicks
D. Duane Allman
E. Wierd Al Yankovick

Answer below the fold:
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