WASHINGTON — In a historic outcome that promised to halt the rising scourge of the United States in its tracks, America has defeated America at the ballot box, sources confirmed Wednesday. “After 248 years of tense and often divisive conflict, we can finally say, as of this morning, that the nation turned out at the polls and delivered a decisive blow to the nation,” said electoral analyst Kurt Howitzer, describing the results as a remarkable triumph of the democratic experiment over democracy. “It’s a stunning turn of events. But it really shows the power of one citizenry to come together and prevail over themselves. The message was loud and clear: We are sick and tired of our country, and we want it to end.” At press time, millions of emotional Americans had reportedly gathered on the National Mall in an impromptu celebration of their resounding victory over the forces of liberty and equality.
ok-cleek
My head's in all kinds of a mess
“Kurt Howitzer”. Right up there with “Buck Turgidson” in the pantheon of satiric character names.
Well played, Onion.
OK, they won this one, but at least we can still laugh.
I copied this same Onion piece to several of my friends, straight after it appeared. I’ve been away for several days in Ireland for a (very joyous) wedding, during which we all managed to put the result of the election away in a locked compartment in our minds. Re-entering the real world tonight, and reading of developments, has been a hideous shock. Thoughts and prayers – I have no idea what else is any more help and solidarity.
i’m off the news.
i truly can not handle reading about Trump anymore. i was burned out on him six years ago. i do not have the ability to process anything to do with him any more.
cleek, your reaction makes perfect sense. I feel similarly myself, thinking of cancelling my subs to NYT and WaPo since I can now hardly bear to look at them.
i’m finding out it’s hard to avoid hearing about him – even music and tech sites find ways to talk about him.
which just makes me thing of the age-old question: “what do you mean people don’t know what he’s like? how can they not? he’s everywhere!” which threatens to drag me back to politics again.
alas.
Me too.
Alas indeed.