Dear Theoretical Physicist...

Q: I met a terrific girl a few months ago, and things are starting to become serious. I like her very much, but she wants children quickly and I still don't feel ready. What should I do?

A: It might help to think of your girlfriend less as the potential mother of your child, and more as a swarming agglomeration of infinitesimal strings vibrating in 10, 11 or 26 dimensions. These strings would have length but not width or height, and they could either be closed, in which case they would look like squiggly ovals, or open, in which case they would look like shoelaces. The shoelaces would spin out “world sheets” through time, while ovals would make “world tubes”; and two world tubes could combine to form a single world tube, which would look like a pair of trousers!