Here's my entry into TBogg's Victor Davis I Was A Teenaged Classicist Hanson Blog Post

Fellow Fifthies, a crisis has gained our position. While not yet a catastrophe, it could come as a loss of confidence of the spirit to hear the news. Nonetheless. No secret kept among friends leads to brave warriors on the field. So I will tell you. We've struggled these many weeks to build a vast fund, intended to be spent bolstering our communal - in the original, joyous sense of the word, not pace the recent Marxist corruption - spirits by purchasing a quantity of ale for all who freely contributed to the great bronze Montefortino helmet we established for this purpose, which sat next to the microwave, by the foosball table. A celebration of our accomplishments, and our decades of fine Fifthie heritage, at the end of the current semester was to be our reward. But our noble plan was not to be; the hard-won and freely-given money with which this sustaining and celebratory ale was to be purchased has gone missing. And, though this additional information delivers a blow which will stay imprinted on our souls, in eternal shame, I feel I must tell you: I am certain it was taken by someone on the fourth floor, a clever burglar - in the words of Chang Tzu, "with great knowledge comes the great thief". But, not clever enough. No! For we know his purpose and we will work his plan against him. My fellow Fifthies, this is not the time for despair or malaise, for we shall turn his malice against us into unwitting benevolence towards us. With the advantage of elevation, I can see them out my window now, stealing their purchase our way - wheeling the keg towards the elevator that serves us all. Here is his downfall: as soon as the elevator starts, we will press the Up button! And when the elevator stops here, on its way to the fourth floor, noble Fifthies, we shall apprehend the thief and his misbegotten goods! Yes! Raise your soon-filled Solo cups high! The time approaches when his treachery will have turned Fortune's wheel and made him not our malefactor, but our delivery boy! So, now bravest Moose, press the Up button, and when the door opens, you and Bulldog grab him! I'll be waiting to chide him roundly. We shall prevail.

Alas, my tale of heroic valor was not to be the winner. Sad though that is, I must admit, the winning entry is truly the superior entry.