Was talking last night with some people who've never seen the classic reviews for Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz on Amazon.com. So, there's the link.

Here are a few of the nearly 1000 reviews:

Saved My Baby's Life, July 20, 2006
The exact minute I got my milk, my baby's new face burst into flames. I used the gallon to extinguish my baby. Next time, I'll order 2 gallons. Thank you, milk. Thank YOU!

Milk Passion, August 3, 2007
When our eyes met, time stopped. His lips curled into the hint of smile. With a casual flip of his hand, he brushed back the long, thick curls of his dark, wavy hair. I was powerless to resist his cobalt eyes as he drew me in. Our hands intertwined, our lips touched, I was lost. His breath graced my neck, then he spoke with a voice as deep as the ocean. "Could you pick up some Tuscan Whole Milk, 128 fl oz?" "Yes," I whispered. Our souls were one.

Nasty Customer Service, August 9, 2006
This milk worked well when I first got it, but within a few days it wouldn't hold a charge. I called their customer service department and, I don't know if it's in Bangalor or Ireland, but I couldn't understand a word that they said and they began to scream at me.

Finally, though, they sent me another one - but that wouldn't hold a charge, either. I'm beginning to wonder if this is truly meant to be a portable product. I still haven't been able to retreive my email and the video is murky.

It's a bit heavy, too, to wear on your belt. The good news is that it keeps your hip cool during this sultry summer weather - for a while.

Not at all sandy, December 12, 2007
This whole milk is smooth and milky in consistency. Not at all gritty, chalky or sandy. An excellent purchase.

I'm all out of love . . . ., December 14, 2007
Vile Tuscan Whole Milk! Impudent strumpet! Out of Stock? Currently unavailable? We don't know when or if this item will be back in stock? HOW DARE YOU! Did Montreal mean nothing to you? You were so warm there, and now you turn cold and unavailable. Did the caress of your handle mean so little to you? My gentle tugs on your label, did they fall away from your thoughts like too-reticent autumn leaves blowing away in a December storm? You torment and delight my thoughts at every moment, and yet your feelings for me, you tell me that you don't know when they will be back in "stock"? (I see your penchant for cruel linguistic digs persists unabated) I give you my love, and in return you destroy me.

Doesn't Work with Macs, January 9, 2008
Beware! I poured the milk into my MacBook Pro's firewire port and immediately got a kernal panic. I tried again on my iMac and got the same result. Come on, Tuscan, get with it!

DJing, June 10, 2007
Been DJ'ing with tuscan milk for 4 years now. About 120BPM when the party is live i pour 6 gallons of tuscan milk on my spinning turntables (tech 12's) and let it spray down the crowd they go nuts for this stuff.

:(, June 4, 2007
Bought it for my cousin who had cancer, item never arrived and my cousin died.

Milk made me rich, April 17, 2007
I am eskimo from great north, where only milk source whale. Milking whale not easy. I sell tuscan whole milk to all my inuit brothers.....make me very wealthy. I have igloo mansion, envy of many men.

I have to complain. At this point, it's all I can do.

Tomorrow is the big "Race For The Cure" road race, here in Raleigh (MSNBC's #1 city, b.t.w.). A few weeks ago I signed-up to run it on my company's "team" - really just a bunch of people who put their names on a list; there is no organization, or uniform, and not even a single group email went out between the "members". Anyway, like I said, it's tomorrow.

Because the temperatures last week went from the nice-and-comfy 70s to the hateful-and-oppressive upper-90s, I had to do my running in the mornings, when it was still only in the low 80s. Now, I hate running in the mornings; I hate doing anything in the morning besides sitting quietly with a cup of tea. Running in the mornings makes me fell physically sick: nauseated, weak, irritable, almost hung-over. But, since there was no way I was going to run when it's 99 and sunny, I had to run in the morning. Besides, the race itself starts at 7:00am (which means i have to be at the shuttle-bus parking lot at 6:30, etc..), so I figured I'd better at least try to get used to running that early. And, dedicated runner that I am, I did that for a few days.

Last Saturday morning, I'm in the second mile of a long slow distance run, going downhill but not very fast, trying to maintain a nice smooth stride, when my right leg screams "STOP! STOP, YOU MOTHERFUCKER ! STOP RIGHT NOW !!"

Ok! Ok! I stopped and learned that I had just pulled or strained or tore or snapped one of the smaller of the muscles deep in the back of my right thigh. Fuck. I walked home, cursing my miserable life. At one point, I tried running again but couldn't even manage a full step. Double fuck.

But, I guess it wasn't a really severe injury, because it started getting better pretty quickly. And by Wednesday, I'm thinking there's a chance I could maybe do the race after all. I'm able to walk without any problem and can manage a few tentative steps running without any real pain.

But, the universe wasn't going to give up that easily. Having failed to beat me with heat and scheduling and injury, it went for more apocalyptic methods. There's a big wildfire burning in a nature preserve about 100 miles east of here. Up until Thursday, the winds were blowing the smoke out to sea; but then they changed direction and started blowing the smoke inland, towards Raleigh. And by Thursday afternoon, the entire area was blanketed in heavy smoke. Just walking to the car is enough to get people coughing and rubbing their eyes. Running was, and remains, completely out of the question.

So, the universe has defeated me. I surrender.

Virtual John McCain

Fox News = shit

6/12/08 - Nuclear War

I'm Voting Republican