WASHINGTON—According to bewildered and contrite legislators, a major budgetary mix-up this week inadvertently provided the nation's public schools with enough funding and resources to properly educate students.

Sources in the Congressional Budget Office reported that as a result of a clerical error, $80 billion earmarked for national defense was accidentally sent to the Department of Education, furnishing schools with the necessary funds to buy new textbooks, offer more academic resources, hire better teachers, promote student achievement, and foster educational excellence—an oversight that apologetic officials called a "huge mistake."

"Obviously, we did not intend for this to happen, and we are doing everything in our power to right the situation and discipline whoever is responsible," said House Budget Committee chairman Paul Ryan (R-WI), expressing remorse for the error. "I want to apologize to the American people. The last thing we wanted was for schools to upgrade their technology and lower student-to-teacher ratios in hopes of raising a generation of well-educated, ambitious, and skilled young Americans."

"That's the type of irresponsible misspending that I've been focused on eliminating for my entire political career," Ryan added.

Railway officials have discovered snakes on a train in Vietnam — highly venomous king cobras in bags under a seat.

Railroad official Pham Quynh says passengers were terrified when four cloth bags containing the writhing cobras were spotted Friday. The snakes were alive but had their mouths stitched shut.

Quynh says the exact number of snakes was unclear but the bags weighed 100 pounds (45 kilograms).

Security staff removed the cobras, which were likely destined for restaurants in Hanoi. Their owner apparently escaped in the chaos.

Snake meat is considered a delicacy in Vietnam, but cobras are protected by law.

Somebody call the Honey Badger!

Horse Herpes Forces Girls To Ride Stick Ponies

Looks like someone reaaaallllllyyyy likes this blog! And that someone tried to read so much of it all at once that my ISP suspended my account. Yay.

First guess, from looking at the server logs, is that it was MSN's web crawler. So, FU, MSN.

Second guess... maybe not MSNBOT. FU, MSN, anyway.

Darmok and Jalad

FEMA Declares Eric Cantor a Disaster Area

Looking for a solution to global warming? Maybe start clear-cutting many of the world's forests, Rep. Dana Rohrabacher [(R-CA)] says.

...

"Is there some thought being given to subsidizing the clearing of rainforests in order for some countries to eliminate that production of greenhouse gases?" the California Republican asked Todd Stern, the top U.S. climate diplomat and lead witness at the hearing. "Or would people be supportive of cutting down older trees in order to plant younger trees as a means to prevent this disaster from happening?"

Hey, good idea! Cut down trees (and then do what with them?) to eliminate C02 emissions!

The article notes that Rohrabacher is chairman of the House Foreign Affairs oversight subcommittee. What it doesn't note is that he also sits on the House Science committee, and is a member of the Energy and Environment subcommittee. Irony!

What does an actual scientist (ie. not a guy who plays one at the DC Lunkheaded Pensioner's Debate Club) think of this idea?

Jay Gulledge, a senior scientist at the Pew Center on Global Climate Change, said Rohrabacher is correct that 80 to 90 percent of gross greenhouse gas emissions do come from nature, with humans producing the rest. But it's that small percentage that is changing the Earth's climate — not to mention that trees help absorb carbon dioxide from the atmosphere in huge quantities.

"How he's using it is totally off the wall," Gulledge said. "It's beyond the pale. It makes no sense."

Thought so.

I wonder who's paying Rohrabacher to advocate for cutting down old-growth rainforest trees...

Fucking iPod just made sit through Sonic Youth's "The Diamond Sea" and then Godspeed You Black Emperor's "Providence". That's 54 minutes without a hook of any kind.

This kind of thing makes Tricksey cranky.

Bowser The Wonk

Looks like the only thing that got raptured was my work computer. I am unable to remote into it, so now I can't work from home this weekend.

Alas!