Paranoid Agriculture

The Survival Seed Bank is fucking awesome.

You don't have to be an Old Testament prophet to see what's going on all around us. A belligerent lower class demanding handouts. A rapidly diminishing middle class crippled by police state bureaucracy. An aloof, ruling elite that has introduced us to an emerging totalitarianism which seeks control over every aspect of our lives.

Oh sure, that's just standard wingnut boilerplate. Be afraid! Be afraid! Gotta get the mark good and ready for the pitch you're about to lay on him. So, here we go:

As the meltdown progresses, one of the first things to be affected will be our nation's food supply. Expect soaring prices along with moderate to severe shortages by spring. If you don't have the ability to grow your own food next year, your life may be in danger. Supply lines for food distribution in this country are about three days, meaning a dependence on "just in time" distribution systems, which will leave store shelves empty in the event of even the smallest crisis.

Holy shit! What can I do??

First, you need to have the peace of mind knowing that if things were to get scary, that you and your family could still eat. Listen: having enough non-hybrid seeds to plant an acre or two could be the difference between life and death. With our new "Survival Seed Bank," growing your own survival food becomes easy. Remember, our hand-picked seeds are not genetically modified in any way. You simply save some of your harvest seeds from year one and have more than enough to plant in year two. You'll never need to buy seeds again! You just can't do that with man-made hybrid seeds.

It's been very difficult to acquire high quality, open pollinated seeds lately. We've had a lot of our Food Storage Secrets' customers asking for a good source and we finally have seeds we feel comfortable offering folks whose lives may depend on exceptional germination rates

Tell me more!

Remember, non-hybrid seeds can be grown practically anywhere and have the ability to assimilate mineral and trace elements from the soil that man made plants just don't seem to have. That's because they were created by God as we read in Genesis:

And God said, "Let the earth sprout vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, on the earth."

Not being an end-times farmer, I don't understand how these seeds can be considered to be "non-hybrid"; the plants they came from are the results of many millennia of human-directed hybridization, and nobody but anthropological botanists would even recognize the wild ancestors of the plants in today's produce markets. God did not create "Reid's Yellow Dent" corn - Robert Reid did, in the 1840s - a fact which the Survival Seed Bank's web page notes!

Man, you're dazzling me with these contradictions. Better step up the pitch, you're losing me!

So here's the deal: I'm trying to get the word out before the food crisis becomes too apparent to the general public and there is a run on these seed banks. I've decided to sell the Survival Seed Bank at a discounted price to our customers who use this website to order. For the general public, the price will be a fat $297.00 - no discounts... even to FEMA or military personnel. Take it or leave it. But for existing Solutions From Science customers, as long as you buy online from this site, I will send you everything for just...

$149 Until We Run Out!

That's less than half of what everyone else will have to pay when the Survival Seed Bank hits the street. I'm making this "extra" discounted offer because our current customers deserve "first dibs" on something this important.

OMGS! Must. Buy. Now. FEMA can suck it!

Really, the whole thing is incredible. There's just too much good stuff. I want to blockquote it all! But I mustn't. Instead, I urge you to go check out The Survival Seed Bank ! (before it's too late!)

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4 thoughts on “Paranoid Agriculture

  1. russell

    It takes a special kind of crazy to turn “hey, let’s plant a garden!” into an exercise in delusional paranoid nutjob asshattery.

    For good or ill, that special kind of crazy is in no short supply.

  2. Ugh

    Supply lines for food distribution in this country are about three days

    Not sure what they mean by this, but I do recall reading a few years back that, e.g., NYC would run out of food in about three days if all transport onto and off of the island were cut off. Though I think “run out of food” meant that if the buying and selling of foodstuffs continued on its regular pre-disaster pace, the grocercy stores in NYC would be mostly empty after three days. This kind of occurs in DC every time more than 1 inch of snow is predicted.

    I’m amused by the idea that most Americans would have “an acre or two” to plant, which I guess kind of goes to the targeted demographic, including some of my more rural relatives.

  3. Cris

    This really brings back memories.

    I worked for five years at a small mail order garden supply company, one of whose specialties was open-pollinated seeds. The company’s ideological origins were in the back-to-the-land hippie subculture. We were into OP for fairly touchy-feely reasons: respect for traditional methods, simplicity, sustainability, “Small is Beautiful,” and a fair undercurrent of fist-shaking at The Man (but note, all our pea seed came straight from Novartis).

    But self-reliance is one of those cultural values that brings the far left and the far right looping around to overlap. So when 1999 rang in and Y2K paranoia began to gain momentum, we found ourselves deluged with strange bedfellows. I even formed something of a professional relationship with a member of the Militia of Montana.

    Anyway, Y2K brought to our doorstep a gaggle of Millenialists who wanted — needed! — non-hybrid seeds to tide them through the coming apocalypse. We were overwhelmed, and we responded exactly as you might guess: cynically. We threw together a plastic bucket full of OP varieties (many of which were admittedly not our best — hybrid sweet corn beats the ever-loving crap out of any OP variety, on all fronts), priced it with a nominal discount, and sold it as the “Y2K survival kit.” And they sold like hotcakes, sometimes by the pallet load.

    I have no regrets about it, mainly because we never pandered to the fringe’s rhetoric. We saw a demand, we met it; but we didn’t traffic in apocalyptic bullshit or comfort our new audience with identity politics. And when the shit failed to hit the fan, we retained their good graces, possibly because we tried to assuage their fears rather than inflame them.

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