First, some background. Let’s say that, in the comments section here, Gary Farber accuses “Cleek” of having poor indie-rock sensibilities. Outraged, Cleek sues Typepad (the host of our blog) for defamation. Typepad, however, didn’t actually say anything about Cleek’s music tastes, it just made blog space available for others to provide comments.
“Poor indie-rock sensibilities” ? Moi? I’ll have you know I graduated with honors from the Pitchfork School of Indie Rock Snobbery and Tastemaking. My final project, in which I documented all the ways it was acceptable to like Yo La Tengo, was awarded three Shrugs and a “solid mainstream appeal” from the Board Of Cred. My Snobbery was estimated to be in the high 97th percentile – which gives me the ability to detect influences in less than twenty seconds, and to know what’s Good in ten. In Ironic Detachment and Namedropping, I was ranked in the Top 10 All Time Best. I can draw the Uncle Tupelo family tree with one hand, while typing the lyrics to every song on Pavement’s first three albums (the only really good ones, of course) with the other. I own Mudhoney bootleg 45s. I once drank a beer with Mark Robinson from Unrest. My favorite color is candy apple gray.
Tired! Derivative! Overreaching! Saccharine! Overhyped! Twee! Lame! Boring! Addictive! Mainstream! Obvious! Primitive! Arch-!
I can go on, if anyone doubts my mastery of Hipster Modifiers.
Yes, obviously, his piece was meant to be an illustration of some arcane and totally played-out legal theory but even in the hypothetical, this is an affront to my character and to my family’s honor. Vengeance will be mine.