From the Raleigh News And Observer, a story about the lunatic Republican, Vernon Robinson, and his attempt to win one of NC’s Federal House o’ Rep’s seats (a district in which he does not live, of course):

Robinson has already run a radio ad that features mariachi band music playing in the background. “If [incumbent, Brad] Miller had his way,” says the announcer, “America would be nothing but one big fiesta for illegal aliens and homosexuals.”
…
The Robinson mailing also seeks to tie Miller to Markos Moulitsas Zuniga, a Californian who runs The Daily Kos, the nation’s largest liberal Internet blog. The Robinson literature describes Moulitsas, who is a married Army veteran, as a “militant homosexual rights advocate” under the headline: “Brad Miller’s San Francisco Soul Mate.”
…
Soon after winning the GOP primary in the 13th District in May, Robinson mailed literature to more than 400,000 households portraying Miller’s voting record and personal life as being out of the mainstream.

Among many other things, the literature calls Miller a “childless, middle-aged personal injury lawyer.”
…
“I think that should not be part of what you agree to take on if you want to be involved in politics — that kind of personal attack without any basis,” Miller said.

Miller said his wife of nearly 25 years, Esther Hall, could not bear children because she had endometriosis and then a hysterectomy at age 27 before the couple were married.

Happily, I’ll be able to vote against this guy in November.

Since Fafblog has been dormant for almost two months now, I thought I should share my favoritest Fafblog post ever: It’s called the the legend of Benjamin Healy, and it go somethin like this:

“Whatever happened to Benjamin Healy, honest ol tricky ol Benjamin Healy who sold hats to the headless an converted the footless an befriended the friendless, the oppressed an the short throughout the land?” says me.
“They say he flew around the world in a contraption made a geese feathers an elevator parts an a monorail from the world’s fair!” says Giblets.
“An on the way he gave presents to all the good little boys an girls,” says me, “which is how the story of Jesus came to be.”
“They say when two old women came up to him both claimin to be the mother of a child, ol’ Ben Healy said ‘We shall cut the child in half’ an so they did,” says Giblets.
“An each half of the child grew into another whole child!” says me.
“An amazin man, that ol Ben Healy,” says Giblets.
“They say in court ol Benjamin Healy defended the soul of a duck what had sold its soul to the devil himself,” says me. “An his oratory was so stirrin an his voice so patriotic that the jury absolved the bird of his pact with Satan an made him a representative in the United States Congress!”
“An those duck’s tears went on to form the Cuyahoga River,” says Giblets.
“They say the devil got so angry he came after ol Benjamin Healy to cheat him outta his soul,” says me. “His soul which was delicious an smelled like a fresh-baked pie.”
“An that was back in the days when the devil was made of machines,” says Giblets. “Steel-drivin automatic-loggin machines that took people’s jobs AND their souls.”
“Devil’s no fan of the workin man,” says me.
“An they say ol Benjamin Healy beat the devil at cards an chess an Cheese or Weevil an he said ‘Ol Devil if you really are the devil you’ll turn yourself into a line of overpriced yet reasonably comfortable athletic footwear’ an the devil not bein one to run from a challenge did jus that,” says Giblets.
“An ol Ben Healy boxed up the devil an distributed him to millions of eager consumers around the world,” says me. “Which is where we get the Nike Swoosh.”
“Organized sports were transformed forever,” says Giblets.
“Whatever happened to Serge Garcia, fearsome an terrible Serge Garcia who strode the mountains an fought with the savage woodsy men an ruled the piney trees?” says me.
“They say he could skin an eat an army of Vikings in one go an still have room left over for their boats,” says Giblets. “For their army of boats.”
“They say he could could crush an elephant in one hand but lived at peace with the tiniest creatures of the forest,” says me.
“Cept when he was crushin em in one hand to show people how he could crush em in one hand,” says Giblets.
“They say no mortal woman was enough for him so he made one himself outta whiskey an liquors an ale,” says me. “An he loved her like a lumberjack made of eating loves a woman made of ham.”
“An then one day he was like ‘I’m real thirsty’ an he drank her an she was gone,” says Giblets.
“An he cried real sad an he roamed the land an he ate a whole live buffalo,” says me.
“They say he tore a bear in half or a tiger or a moose or a goat,” says Giblets, “so enraged with sadness was he at the sea for the loss of his whiskey-bride.”
“They say he roamed the northern woods like the sasquatch or among the sasquatch or become the sasquatch,” says me.
“Only the Navajo know an they sing of his legend in their old old songs,” says Giblets.
“Their old old songs which live on in the early studio recordings of the band Foreigner,” says me.
“‘Jukebox Hero’ was later covered by Soul Asylum for reasons that remain largely a mystery,” says Giblets.
“A mystery like the legends of Serge Garcia an Benjamin Healy,” says me.
“A mystery indeed,” says Giblets.

Here’s my entry in the Shittiest Mix Tape contest:

1. Charlene – Never Been To Me. So so so silly – even before you get to the spoken-word middle section.
2. Starship – We Built This City. I know it’s an obvious choice, but it really is an atrocity. And a sad way to end a career.
3. Cake – Going the Distance. A lot of people like Cake, and a lot of people like this song, but I hate them both. This aggressively boring song makes me want to throw things at it, to get it out of my presence.
4. Helloween – Halloween. This stupid song is made much worse by the ridiculous video: there’s some kind of scary zombie circus party out in the woods! And the band is in a different part of the same woods! And they’re singing about Halloween with that goofy European melodic metal and the faux-operatic vocals. Ugh. And there’s a guy with a pumpkin on his head.
5. Lynrd Skynrd – That Smell. What a pungent coagulate of a song. “Oooh that smell / Can’t you smell that smell”. I remember hearing this on the Rock stations when it first came out and thinking “Hey! They don’t play Dr. Demento on this station!”

I hope you hate it as much as I do !

I think I was supposed to post MP3s of these, but I just ain’t got that kind of energy right now.

A while back, over at Making Light, there was a discussion about making a flu-preparedness package for yourself (back when bird flu seemed like it was mere days from killing us all). During a mini-discussion of cough medicines, I remembered something the school nurse used to give me for asthma, back when I was seven or eight: a noxious yellow syrup called Quibron.

Quibron is a blend of guaifenesin (an expectorant found in most cough medicines – yum) and theophylline (which expands airways). It tastes horrible. Beyond awful. I remarked on Making Light, that Quibron tasted like “Robitussin triple-distilled over a tire fire then aged for 12 years in casks of piss oak”. I probably should have added “with a splash of cat piss” in addition to the Robitussin, to give it a little more of a pungent, up-front bite. Horrible. Luckily, I haven’t had any since I was a wee lad.

[...dissolve to present - colors brighter, focus sharper...]

I bought a bottle of Laphroaig (“la-froyg”) this weekend. It’s a single-malt Scotch, from the island of Islay. I’d never tasted it before, but I like trying new things so I took a chance. As soon as the first drop hit my tounge, I thought of Quibron. Laphroaig is smokey, but not in a nice wood-smoke-on-a-cold-night way; this is more like burning plastic (peat, actually). It’s medicinal. It’s chemical. It’s offensive. It tastes like some kind of industrial cleaner. Instead of inspiring romantic visions of the Isles off Scotland, it conjures nightmares of industrial Britain: an afternoon spent near a burning paint factory by the sea. And yet, somehow, I enjoy it – after the first few sips, anyway. Though maybe I’m just convincing myself I like it so I don’t feel bad about the price. Next time, though, I’ll buy an old standby, like Macallan or Glenlivet, or Knob Creek.

I think it’s easy to go back over mistakes that we may have made, but the biggest reason why Iraq has been difficult is the determination by our opponents to defeat us.
– Tony Blair

Hmmm. Interesting theory.

CNN.com

Starting this short work week with…

1. Polvo – When Will You Die The Last Time In My Dreams
2. Son Volt – Endless War
3. Dondante – My Morning Jacket
4. Jim Croce – Operator
5. Smashing Pumpkins – Crush
6. Scud Mountain Boys – Grudge **** (fantastic song. outstanding album)
7. Blonde Redhead – Speed x Distance = Time (I bet they failed physics)
8. Hilkka – Last April
9. Beastie Boys – Sabrosa
10. Bauhaus – God In An Alcove

I pull up to the gas pump, start filling my tank. An anonymous white van pulls up in front of me, two guys, maybe old enough to be out of high school, are in the front. The driver yells to me “Hey. I have a strange question, but: do you want some speakers?”

“What kind of speakers?”

“Hold on, I’ll show you.”

He pulls around next to my car, and after a moment, comes around the side, opens the side door and there are three huge boxes: two giant floor speakers and a monster surround-sound kit: these and this.

He tells me he works for some electronics company I’ve never heard of, on the other side of town, and that he was out making deliveries when he discovered someone had accidentally put them in his delivery van, all invoiced, checked out, out of inventory, etc.. He shows me an invoice that I glance at, not knowing what I’m supposed to be able to conclude from it. He says he can either take them back to the warehouse where someone else will take them home, or he can sell them himself so he and his co-worker (who never leaves the van) can make a little extra cash. Maybe his boss has a strict policy that prevents things from ever being put back into inventory. Maybe it’s a religious issue – “Loading docks are exit only!. I didn’t ask.

He grabs some audiophile magazine he happens to have in the truck and flips to an ad for these speakers; they list for $3100 and $2475, respectively. Good shit, apparently. He asks me to make an offer: “Run to the ATM, take out what you can! Whatever you can get, I’m sure will be fine! It’ll probably be more than my bonus!” I tell him I have no use for things that size, and I don’t really dig the way they look, even if I did. He says “So, you can sell them yourself. Make a ton of cash!” I tell him I don’t want to deal with that. He opens the subwoofer box and starts pulling out speakers, showing me how cool they are. I decline with a modest show of what I hope looks like regret.

So, after a few more rounds of “Come on, this is a great deal” and “No, I don’t have any use for them”, I get in my car and drive away.

Now I’m debating whether or not I should tell his boss. If these were bookshelf or car speakers, I might just forget about it, but this was $5400 worth of stuff. It’s probably more than this kid makes a year. I looked-up the place he said they came from and called the number, but got voice-mail. I didn’t want to leave a message, thinking those kids might be able to delete the message before anyone else heard it.

Maybe I’ll try again Tuesday?

Edit: or, on second thought, better-travelled commentors inform me this was probably a scam. It makes more sense than two kids risking felony-theft convictions. And, for what it’s worth: they said they were from “Empire Electronics” in Raleigh, NC. A company that claims to specialize in burglar alarm systems, but has almost no on-line presence, and the address, as listed on 411.com, is apparently in an apartment complex.

Update: check out the White Van Speaker Scam